Thursday, 22 November 2018

i've been lucky. 
nothing good i've ever done was really planned and plotted. 
always willing to fall into things by chance. 

even you. 
you weren't in any conscious plan, but always 
i felt something inside of me connecting me to the idea of you. 
and when you arrived, smaller than the eye can see, 
a tiny world in the universe of my body, 
i knew.  

but the enormity.

the practicalities of what it all meant. 
torn between birth, rebirth and staying on the same meandering, comfortable path. 
which, in all kinds of ways, meant death. 

my foundations were rumbled and i chose you. 
and from now until forever i'll choose you . 

for those seven months could you hear my heart, 
forever yours, breaking, expanding, singing? 

can you, even now? 

in giving birth to you, i re-birthed myself. 

never a fan a labels, i am now holding tight to that of 'mother'. 

back then i was mistaken in thinking you were a tiny world. 
you are the sun. my sun. my son. my everything. 
you are the best thing i ever did, that ever happened to me, my greatest gift.

the privilege of my life is to love, guide and nurture you. 
in raising you i raise myself, 
discard the old skins and wonder at the new growth, 
the vastness and rawness of my heart and this universe 
in which we are links in a chain basking in the gentle light of these winter days, 
that will inevitably turn to spring, then summer then autumn. 
we are all a part of the spiral. 

this time is short.

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